Shots Fired: Tufts Daily columnist calls out Middlebury as “new rival”

Amherst-Williams.

Colby-Bates-Bowdoin.

Conn. College-Trinity-Wesleyan.

Tufts…Middlebury?

The most unexpected of that list will be the NESCAC’s newest rivalry, if Tufts Daily columnist Ben Kochman has anything to say about it. Citing the first three as existing battles that frequently spark intense fandom throughout the conference, Kochman fired the first few shots from Medford  in his weekly column, “The Wackness,” .

Two weeks ago, Kochman wrote a column titled, “Drink the hater-ade,” in which the Tufts junior put out a call for a rival exclusive to Tufts, so fellow Jumbos could unite under the common thread of superficial hate.

“I had some members of teams text me, and the thing is here is that there’s no consensus,” Kochman told NESCAC Insider on Thursday. “So i figured I’d make it easy. Why do Williams and Amherst get to have all the fun?”

Among his constant skewerings throughout the piece are the following critiques of the Vermont school:

I’ll start with the mascot: a panther? Really? Middlebury is one of 33 schools in the country with a panther as its mascot. In a conference that includes a fighting chicken, a purple cow and a Jumbo elephant, the Panthers are incredibly boring. The NESCAC is about being original, and Middlebury is as vanilla as a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream cone.

The famed “MiddKidd” YouTube video, that of the 1-plus million views, also takes its place on the chopping block:

If the Midd Kids aren’t already shaking in their Sperrys, take a look at the informative “Midd Kid” instructional video on YouTube. Being a Midd Kid seems like so much fun. Look at their lavish lifestyle! Look at all of the pretty ladies! All of the cheeses! Throw that granola in the air like you just don’t care!

And then there’s his “Anchorman” shoutout to close the column:

Tufts and the Panthers are like two dancers on prom night, and neither of us have dates. We see Middlebury across the floor. They’re wearing flannel for no apparent reason and sipping a glass of maple syrup with their pinky out. There’s also a broom between their legs, just for funsies. Let us step to them, and spit on their boat shoes.
Because at least 60 percent of the time, these Panthers suck every time.

Kochman will have little time to mobilize forces at Tufts. The ice hockey team hosts the Panthers’ nationally ranked squad on Saturday at 4:15 p.m., and will travel to Middlebury on Jan. 28. Both Jumbos basketball teams are on the road on Jan. 7.

One of Kochman’s friends on Facebook who attends Middlebury posted that a response in the works. Stay tuned to NESCAC Insider to see if anything actually materializes, but Kochman said that he hopes to keep everything light.

“When I mention hate, I mean it in a playful sense,” Kochman told NESCAC Insider. “I don’t want physical altercations or riots. I’d like to see both schools come up with creative ways of making fun of each other, and I’d like every Tufts-Middlebury game to be an event.”